No. I'm not a pirate. I'm just really rather frustrated.

So...I haven't blogged in a long time so let me catch you up to speed.

Robert, my finace', and I got back together over the summer. We tried our hardest to make things work but that spark just wasn't there anymore. I had always heard about people "falling out of love" but now I really know what it means. I was crushed when we didn't work out this last time but then again, I was kinda okay with it too. I was about to move off to college and start over again in my new apartment with new friends so maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

I went to class and on the first day a really cute guy sat next to me. He asked me out at the end of class and we eventually started dating. We both loved to bowl and things were really going well.

Until his other girlfriend found out about us....

Now he is completely single and we both egged his car. JERK.

After that, I got a call one day from one of my old friends. She goes to MMI and asked me about a girl we both knew. She asked if that girl was still dating Anthony, and I checked facebook and said yes, it appears they are still dating. She then proceeded to send me a picture of that girl and some guy that was most def NOT anthony kissing and holding hands. I felt so awful. I hardly knew Anthony but his recent Facebook statuses had mentioned him buying a ring for this girl. I went through the whole cheating finace' thing before and I knew how bad it hurt and how alone and broken I felt, so I messaged him. I told him everything and he said that he kinda already knew but didn't want to fully believe it. I sent him the pic that was sent to me and he broke down. I felt so horrible and the only thing I knew to do was to be there for him and to comfort him. That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship. We messaged back and forth for weeks and then one day, while I was hanging out with him, he kissed me. I was kinda shocked by it, but then again I loved it too. He asked me out the next day and we have been dating ever since. He is the sweetest, most romantic guy and I'm lucky to have him.

But here's the kicker...

His now ex-gf thinks I stole him from her and is constantly harrassing me. All of his friends and his parents love me (they told me so) and say that Anthony has never looked happier than when he is with me. I never planned on us dating. I just simply wanted to be there for a friend in need. It just happened we bonded over our shared pain and found out that we have a lot in common. It honestly wasn't my plan to "steal" him away...I mean...she was cheating on him anyways...

Also, my Dad somehow found out that Anthony came down to Tuscaloosa to visit me for a day. He got really upset and now I am afraid that he hates him. He hasn't even met Anthony and already is threatening on breaking us up and refusing to bless our relationship. It honestly hurts me to know that my father is so angry about that. We didn't do anything, hell he didn't even sleep with me he crashed on the couch! I don't know why on earth he is getting so mad. I'm 19, I'm not his little girl anymore. If this is a huge mistake...well...hell...let me make it. I can only learn from my mistakes. I can't be perfect all the time.

I don't know what to do. I want this to work with Anthony but I don't want to lose my father's approval of me either. :(  

This town eats away any feeling of happiness and joy that I feel. Its like you hit the "welcome to Vinemont" sign and all good feelings about life, love, yourself, and your family vanish. Its really quite fascinating to experience.

So I am meeting with my dean tomorrow to sort out my academic suspension stuff. Hopefully he will appeal it and I can attend classes this fall. I am hoping so. I am in enough trouble with my parents and my awful gpa as it is. I dont need a suspension on top of it all.

Robert and I actually worked everything out. I don't know if its going to work or not...but we are at least giving it a shot. We both know that deep down we are meant to be together. We just needed some time to find ourselves and figure everything out on our own.

I have never been more ready to move back to Tuscaloosa in my life. I am ready to just pack my things and leave and not come back until Thanksgiving or so. I really, honestly am.

I am praying that everything is going to work out and everything will be alright. Please pray for me. I know I have screwed things up but I am turing to God to help me through these trying times...

In trying times...don't stop trying.

Hi.
Allow me to introduce myself..
I am 19 years old, but I feel more like I am in my mid-30s.
Six months ago I called off my engagement because I caught him in the act of cheating.
I was servely emotionally scarred from that experience.
I never thought I would be able to love again.
I never thought I would smile again.
I honestly thought that my life was over. I wanted to curl into a ball and die.
Now, I just finished up my first year of college at the University of Alabama.
I've met a pretty nice and amazing guy that I get along with very well.
I'm making baby steps at establishing myself in the advertising and journalism field.
My mother was recently diagnosed with cervical cancer.
I'm having to be checked for it now too.
That, and breat cancer...(obviously our "lady bits" hate us in this family.)
I have purged all of my so-called "friends" that I made this past year.
They all ended up back-stabbing me. (Don't you just love that?)
I am realizing who my real friends are and who really loves me for me and not what I can pretend to be.
I feel like my life is making a million changes at once. It is scary and exciting and nerve-wrecking. I'm an emotional mess....
Now that you know the basics..let me explain.

I have always been the kind of person that enjoys the safe things in life. I was the ultimate nerd in high school. I didn't go to parties because I didn't drink or smoke. I wasn't that "cool" either. I would be the kid sitting in the corner thinking about new costumes to design for the theatre department. I was really big in the arts at my school. I designed and sewed the flags for the colorguard I was on with the marching band. I played the alto sax, bari sax, electric and acoustic guitar, piano, and violin in the symphonic band, jazz band, pep band, german band, and orchestra. I was in 6 different clubs on campus including drama club. I acted, sang, designed sets, and student-produced plays. I was also on the math team...yeah. I was your well-rounded NERD.

Because I was so nerdy I had an obsession with becoming a rebel one day. I have been battling this need to break out of my shell and just go crazy and live life. However, I have been unable to do that.

I graduated from high school in the top 5 of my class of 200+ students. I then got a full-ride scholarship to The University of Alabama to persue my degree in Journalism. I got engaged over the summer to a guy that promised me all the love and honesty in the world. He ended up breaking that promise to me in November. When that happened...I was crushed. My world was torn apart. I thought I could handle that and I couldn't. I still can't sometimes. It really screwed up my ability to trust people. I'm getting over that though.

I don't make friends very easily because I tend to be a little "high strung" at times. I like to take on more than I think I can handle because when I come out victorious it makes me feel that much better about myself. However, I recently realized I am slowly killing myself by doing that. I need to slow down and enjoy life. I'm not going to be this young and carefree for long...

There is a new man in my life now. He's a great guy. I love him. I am also very thankful that he came around when he did. He has inspired me to live my life. Since being with him, I have found that I am finally breaking free and enjoying life and taking everything in. I'm letting go of my worries and checklists and stuff and just...living. He makes life so much more enjoyable and I am so thankful to have him. He has taught me how to live.
However, I feel like I might ruin things between us because I always seem to do that. I have been battling depression and anxiety for 5 years. Some days it gets so bad I can barely get out of bed and get my work done. It is awful. I hate it. I have lots of insecurities and issues I am having to deal with in life right now and I am afraid that he won't be able to handle me when I am being a complete nutcase. (I know I can be one.)
Right now I am just trying to make it through everything that is going on. I have always had to juggle a million different things at once and it is finally catching up to me. I simply cannot mentally handle the stress anymore. Please...help me.

I decided to start this blog to help me through my main task this summer. I want to find myself. I want to tackle all my problems one at a time and slowly defeat them all. I want to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally this summer. I believe this blog is going to help me understand myself better and help me figure things out on my own. I used to have my entire life planned out and all that got turned on its head....so now the question is...

What happens when a caged bird is set free?